the trials and tribulations of bifurcated garments

In the headlines today, a judge on the Florida Supreme Court ruled that banning underwear-exposing – and imposing fines and/or community service on offenders – is unconstitutional. I’d toast the outcome, except I can’t quite get over the fact that any city would even think of banning pants – pants! – let alone actually do it. Pants! I’m with a lot of people in thinking that exposed underwear and ill-fitting clothes isn’t stylish, but still, as with anything, if no one gets hurts, it’s not an issue for ethics and laws. So if people want to wear pants badly, looking as if they’re going to trip any second (or go potty – I can never figure out which), let them. Pants! For [expletive deleted]’s sake.

But while we’re on the topic of pants, this little tidbit caught my attention a while ago: US Letter-Carrier Going Full Kilt Ahead. As the Associated Press puts it, “A 6-foot-tall (1.83-meter-tall), 250-pound (113-kilogram) letter carrier is campaigning for the right to take off his pants.”

But before you start picturing your letter carrier delivering your mail in a glorious full monty, happily flip-flopping away as he places your precious missives in the box, here’s the next sentence: “Dean Peterson wants the U.S. Postal Service to add kilts as a uniform option for men.”

Kilts! Crazy? Loony? Consider this: ziiiiiiiiiip – yipes!!! Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!!!!

Or, as Mr. Petersen put it in a letter to various Postal Unions around the country, “Unbifurcated Garments are far more comfortable and suitable to male anatomy than trousers or shorts because they don't confine the legs or cramp the male genitals the way that trousers or shorts do."

He has a point there, even if he does indulge the penchant for men who struggle against the tyranny of pants to call kilts unbifurcated garments. I suppose that’s a more manly word than kilt or – eek! – skirt. (Nothing says manly man like unbifurcated garment. As in, I’m too manly for bifurcation. What is bifurcation, anyway? Some sort of two-way kinkyness? Kidding. I know that bifurcation is the process of fabricating double-headed forks.)

Seriously, though. Petersen has a point. Granted, utilikilts has gone from pricey to you want HOW much for one of those?, but the idea of not keeping the equipment confined, at risk of zippers or, much more common (I’ve never zippered myself) just feeling the squeeze that comes with putting a body part at the constricting intersection of multiple pieces of fabric, is appealing. The rest is just cultural acclimation.

So good luck, Petersen. I can’t speak for all guys, but this guy is with ya.

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